So the other day I was checking up on my Oldest Daughters Facebook Page.....that's what good Mom's do right?
And yes, this is the same daughter I emotionally scarred in my last post! :(
This is a summary of what I found....
Daughters Status Update: Got home from Camping, FUN...but way behind in my Homework!
Comments that followed.....
Facebook Friend #1: Forget Homework, Go Play the Piano! :)
Facebook Friend #2: You better step up your game and play for the Pillow Concert!
Facebook Friend #3: No, you wanna get ur Homework done first so you get into the habit before High school....
My Daughters Response....and this is when it gets UGLY (For me)
I agree with all of you but I am not my Mother, I can not practice for the pillow concert, do ALL my missing homework and still eat, sleep, go to school and maybe have a life.
I wont lie...I've shed a few tears over this as I've pondered what exactly she meant by it. However.....it doesn't take a Brain Scientist to figure out that I have obviously given her some sort of complex by keeping myself so spread thin.
After I attended Woman's Conference at BYU I knew that I needed to Simplify my life. That I needed to eliminate the fluff that kept me so busy...unfortunately, there were a few things I had already committed myself for that I couldn't get out of.
Now I can admit my flaws...I don't cook, I don't like to clean, and I am definitely not crafty. The one thing I thought I excelled at as a Mom was the fact that I could balance so many things all at once. It breaks my heart to think that the one thing Ive considered myself good at as a Mom.....has actually came back to bite me in the butt!
So now what do I do?
I confronted her about it, and talked with her about how I would never want her to EVER compare herself to me, but somehow I get the feeling that it wasn't enough. I just cant seem to get her to realize that I am the one with the problem, not her. That she is perfect just the way she is and that its me who has the issues. Do I think some of this is stemming for her age...Ofcourse. I mean, I am sure at 11, she is just starting to figure out who she is and who she is not.
I know that...... I need to stop volunteering myself for so many different things...That I need to stop piling more and more on my plate.
What I don't know is how?
I mean....Is it always easier said then done? It just seems to me that at this point.... everyone is just so used to me saying Yes....with a big smile on my face, that I am usually the first person they come to when they need help. How do I stop the cycle that I have created for myself? Especially with the commitments I have already made for the year? Any ideas? I would love to hear them!!
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Ok, so I do actually have some ideas. Or at least one idea.
ReplyDeleteI used to struggle with this same thing (hard to believe, I know...). At the time, I was working full-time, had two small kids, and was trying to do everything else that I thought a "good mom" should -- dinners, crafty things, scrapbooking, volunteering, helping at the school, church callings, AND being at my friends' and neighbors' beck and call.
So, I finally decided that I needed to learn how to say No. But because saying No was so hard for me, I had to learn to not answer my phone. As a result, I'm sure many people have made assumptions about me -- I'm lazy, I'm snobby, I don't like to help, I'm a bad friend, mom, wife, etc. etc. etc. But the bottom line is, who I am to everyone else matters very little. What matters is who I am to those who are closest to me -- namely my family and closest friends.
Over the years, I've stopped being known as the "go to" person. I now decide what things are most important to me and do those things and those things only. I'm sure I can do more, but I don't ever want to feel like I'm giving the least to those who matter most. (You know that Michael McLean song?)
So... there's my idea. Oh, and I don't feel bad that I KNOW I am one of the people you describe in your post. Just as you need to learn how to say "no," I need to learn to not ask and rely on others to step in for me. This was just as valuable a post for me as it was for you. :)
I am finding this 'tween' age particularly hard as well, so at least you are not alone. I think no matter what, girls compare themselves to their mothers and we just have to do the best we can and comment on what makes each child great in there own special way, that is something that helped me as a kid. I agree with the above comment, it's hard to say no so don't answer the phone, or if in person say I need to check my calendar at home. Most people won't wait they'll just ask someone else. I am a much nicer mom and wife now that I learned to say no.
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